“Happy Marriages are based on a deep friendship.By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in the little ways day in and day out.” -John Gottman & Nan Silver

I know a great excercise for cultivating this quality in a marriage. It is called “Intimacy Island”. I do not remember where I learned it. But I can tell you it works.

In a wholesome relationship partners are able to be silent together. Partners are able to hold each other in genuine regard without going to words. The Intimacy Island process begins with just being quiet together. To increase the intimacy the couple can sit close together facing each other for this.

Wholesome couples know how to bless each other. Each partner takes a moment and gives a compliment to the other. It could begin with something like, “One of the things I really like about you is…” The person receiving the compliment simply is to respond “Thank you.” Then it is the other one’s turn.

Wholesome couples are always learning about their partner. Our identities are more fluid that we commonly think. Each of us is in some way a deep and ongoing mystery both to ourselves and to our partner. In this next step, each partner asks the other a question to find out something they never knew about them before. This sounds difficult, but that is part of the fun. For example one could ask, “What did you dream last night?” Again each one takes a turn asking and answering. The caveat is that if the person has a right to turn down a question if it is to uncomfortable. “Ask me something else” is the appropriate response then.

Vulnerability is based on a foundation of trust. Like the chicken and egg question it is impossible to determine what comes first the vulnerable honesty, or the loving acceptance. In this step of the exercise  each one shares something about themselves that carries some vulnerability. The task of the listener is not to fix it, deny it, or subject it to analysis. The listener is simply to hear while providing positive regard, loving affirmation of the other.

Sharing our sucesses is as important as sharing our difficulties. In the last step of the Intimacy Island exercise, each partner shares something that they like about themselves with their spouse. Again the task of the listner is simply positive affirmation and regard.

That is it, 1.Silence 2.Compliment 3.Question 4.Vulnerable 5. Self Affirmation

The idea of a formal exercise like this is that it has a way of giving permission to these kinds of sharing experiences in the rest of the day to day relationship.

Try it.

What makes a marriage excellent?

There are all sorts of old folks sayings. One is,” Never go to bed angry.” Another is ” Never forget to say please and thank you.”

But what really makes a marriage work well?

I will be using several resources for writing about this, but I would like to particularly acknowledge John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Of all the books and seminars I have had on Marriage, I like their book best.

The fundamental issue in making a marriage work is making your own marriage work. Make your marriage with your communication style work. Make your marriage with your hope and fears work. Make your marriage with many or few common interests work. Make your marriage with your history, your gender identification, and your history, work.

In every bit of writing that includes general advice or statistics it is important to remember that people make statistics. Statistics do not make people. For example the absolute average person is a more female than male mostly Asian non existent person. In the real world it is you and your partner.

So my starting place is that a successful human being is more like his or her self. Being in a safe relationship where you can truly be yourself and be accepted for who you are is a part of a well working marriage.

How do we get there? How do we stay there?

And is that all?

More is on the way.

In order to both give advice to my wonderful niece and her man, and to continue to publish regularly in this blog. I am going to take some time out for some marriage work.

I have been officiating marriages for 25 years. I have been involved as a pastor in helping couples along their way. And I myself have been married twice.

I do not pretend to be a counselor or licensed therapist. I refer people as quickly and ably as I can.

Years ago an older man advised me to get couples to make an agreement that if either one of them ever thought they needed to have marriage counseling, their partner as a condition of their covenant would agree to go.

I thought this was good advice and will mention it in my conversations with couples.

Unfortunately, Marriage Counselling is not magic. And Marriage counselors are just human beings too. So this does not guarantee success at all.

Sometimes I add that it might be helpful when seeking a marriage counsellor to find one that both persons hate. What this does is keep the counselor from becoming closer to one parner than the other.

I would think this particularly difficult for the therapist. Therapists being human, want to be liked and appreciated just like the rest of us. And therapists can hardly keep themselves from leaning toward a favorite at some level.

All of this makes it sound like Marriage is miserable, a difficult and heroic task that unfortunately must be performed in order to be a moral success.

The good news is that Marriage is wonderful. Despite the ups and downs of feelings, and circumstances, a good partnership with another is much better than being alone. And an mature accepting relationship is much better than starting over again and again.

Not all marriage counselling is the same. Next I will share some insights from the best book I ever read on the subject so far.

In Rogerian counselling all the facilitator does is listen actively. She does not give advice to the counselee but lets them figure their own way through their issues.

Love is positive attention. This lowers the anxiety level of the counseled and lets them think more clearly. This is part of the effectiveness of the Rogerian technique.

With Prayer, unlike formal counseling  no money is exchanged, and no time limit is imposed. God already has everything. God does  not need our sacrifices. And God is not going anywhere.

So we can be honest with God. We can be completely honest. And God understands. In fact God understands when we are dishonest too. God in our concept of the ultimate, is both loving and knowing. 

So open your heart and mind completely to God. Tell your sins and struggles, your hopes and dreams. Share your doubts and fears. Question earthquakes, cancer, murder, and rape. This will be nothing new to God. The deep center of existence will remain profoundly understanding and accepting. In fact God accepts us much more than we accept ourselves.

I am saying that praying is at least a form of therapy. It is a journey to wellness. And even though questions remain, and aging, death, and troubles remain, that there is yet deeper, a fundamental goodness about the universe, and about us.

Just say anything at all to God.

Next- Listening

How many times should we pray each day?

The ancient Christian Monastic Orders developed the day around seven prayer times. They were 6AM Matins, 9AM Trece, Noon Sext, 3PM None, 6PM Vespers, 9PM Compline, and rising at Midnight forone more prayer.

The custom comes from Psalm 119: 164 where it says, “Seven times a day, I praise you for your righteous laws.”

The monastic rule took this literally. It is also possible to understand the number seven as an ideal number representing being complete. The four corners of the earth plus the three heavens, make a full and complete universe. And praying seven times means to be always full of prayer.

This the meaning of 1 Thessalonians 5:17 ” Pray without ceasing”.

Buddhists describe their meditation practices as either formal or informal. Formal practice may involve gathering with others, going to a special place, and commitment to a particular method of puja or meditation. Informal practice is bringing compassionate and wise awareness into every day life.

In the same way prayer can be formal or informal. We can gather together, and go through a number of unified and expected pracrtices in Sunday mornings for example. We  can have a formal prayer of thanksgiving before a meal. On the other hand, we can bring an attitude of compassionate grace, peace, and awareness of the presence of God with us wherever we go.

It seems that our founding apostles who were all Jewish, practiced the custom of praying formally three times a day. These were around 9AM, Noon, and 3PM. This comes from Psalm 55:17 “Evening, Morning, and at Noon, will I pray, and cry aloud, and God shall hear my voice.”

Jesus did not hinder the practice of corporate public prayer. But he warned against showing off. He taught that our own personal prayers should be done in secret, so that we would not be doing it in order to be praised and respected by people. If it is secret it really becomes a God thing. The saying is true that everyone has a public life, a private life, and a secret life. Jesus wants us to bring God into our secret life.

Pray all the time. Pray seven times a day. Pray three times. Pray publicly. Pray privately. Pray secretly. Pray out loud. Pray in silence. But pray.

Next we will look at what to pray.

I am 53 years old. I think I might be ready for theology now.

When I was a young Christian in college, I was a hard core literalist. I tried to orient my life around what the Bible said. I had little time for the hair splitting fine points of academic theology. I was anti- intellectual. My theology was the theology of the deed. I liked the quote attributed to Tertullian “I believe because it is absurd.” I revelled in my ignorance because what was important was authentic submission to God, not the ability to speculate about God.

But I read the Bible. I studied the Bible. I took Hebrew and Greek in order to understand the Bible. I was in Seminary, but I still was not really ready for Theology. The plan of Salvation was clear. What was neccessary was to live it. But I began to have problems with anomalies. What preachers told me the Bible said and what it really said were not the same. The Bible was more rich and complicated than simple evangelists portrayed it.

But I understood being Born Again. I had experienced transformation in my life, and I knew this was what salvation was about. So I did not need to think about theology. I had pastoral work to do. A pastor lives a life of action not contemplation.

But acceptance of the Bible as it really is caused me to have to give up the simplistic approach. My courage to face the anomalies of scripture revolutionized my understanding of what I thought I knew. I finally accepted that reality is messy, and certainty of knowledge is a pipe dream unreachable as  finite human beings. I grieved my lost but pretended certainty, and entered into living and pastoring, with more humility regarding my Christianity. At this time I liked the saying “Dark night of the soul” from St. John of the Cross.

Facing the limitations of Christianity I became more respectful of other religions. I began to look for how we Christians and those of other religions could be together in the world. I went back to my search for a lowest common denominator between religions. And I think I found it through the theology of negation, or apophatic meditation. But I came to understand the lowest common denominator was not enough. We had higher common denominators. We all wanted a just and compassionate world. Had my religion become just ethics?

Augustine had to think his way around neoplatonism. Thomas Aquinas tried to reconcile Christianity with Aristotle. Today we must reconcile Christianity with science and anthropology.

Recently I have been reading about Clement, Origin, Athenasious, and Basil the Great. And it is not meaningless to me as it once was. I am beginning to understand their context, and why it was important to them. And I am finding within their conflicts, permission, to think about God today in a world where different religions co-exist, and evolution is how we came to be.

I thought I understood God. Then I was sure I didn’t. Now I am finding some space in between. I think I might be ready for Theology now.

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Amen.

Is Christianity an invitation to a fight?

Paul wrote that we were to put on the armor  of God because the devil was going to be shooting flaming arrows at us. Jesus said at one place that he did not come to bring peace, but a sword, and that we would have religious conflicts within our own families. At the end of Paul’s life according to scripture, Paul wrote, “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race.”

But what do we fight?  How do we fight?

John Bunyan who authored “Pilgrim’s Progress” also wrote a book called “The Holy War.” It is about our personal responsibility to guard ourselves from evil. Our self is viewed as a city. The gates are our senses. Our task is to beat off the attacks of the devil against us. So we fight against sin overcoming us. We fight for personal piety.

But that is not all. John Wesley for example, who we know as the founder of Methodism, preached against Slavery, and in favor of Prison Reform. So his fight was not just for his own soul. His fight was not just for the souls of others. He fought for the reformation of society that abused debtors, criminals, and slaves. It was like taking the words, “Whatever you have done to the least of these, my family, you have done to me.”

How is this fight conducted? It is not conducted by force of arms. It is not conducted by violence and hate. We do not reform  the world by succumbing to it. Audrey Lorde wrote, “The Master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” Violence oppression coercion and propaganda, do not lead to a land shining bright with liberty and justice for all.

So this war is fought by prayer, by righteousness, and even by kindness. As we sow we reap. Or like in the Dhamapada, “In this world hate never yet dispelled hate, only love dispells hate.” Jesus said it simply, “Love your enemies.”

Conflict, courage, and compassion mixed together make quite a holy war.

In my own life I struggle against sin, and my own weaknesses and deficits. In the Church I fight against prejudice, pride, and unwholesome thinking. And in society I fight for a community of safety, honesty, fairness, and respect for all people.

These are all hard fights that go on and on. They are like going past the sink every day, and seeing more dirty dishes. The work is never done. It is a marathon. It lasts as long as we do.

But the hardest of these fights is the one against evil and deception within ourselves.

In Islam they have a story about the prophet.

The saying, When returning from the Hunayn expedition, the Prophet had declared “We are back from the lesser Jihad (effort, resistance,struggle for reform) to the greater Jihad.” A Companion asked “What is the greater Jihad, Messenger of God?” He answered: “It is fighting the self (the ego, inner struggle of the soul, Jihad against one’s self).”

I am not saying we should look for trouble. We will have enough trouble without needing to seek it. I am just saying it is a struggle. It never ends. And we need God and each other all the days, weeks, months, and years of our lives.

I recently received information about how our president cancelled a prayer service with Christians, but then prayed with Muslims. And in addition it said that Muslims require either our conversion or our annihilation. With all due respect, it is difficult to navigate all the information that comes our way.

Here are my thoughts on religious genocide, and civic religious ceremonies.

I am a Christian. I love Jesus and I love my country. I work and I pay my taxes. I study religion, history, and economics. I can tell you that our constitution declared that there will be no establishment of religion for our nation. We were meant to be a shining example of a society  based on reason, human rights, and democracy. Our founding fathers had just seen the thirty years religious war rage and ravish Europe. They were not going to let religious differences tear our young nation apart.

 It is possible through cherry picking the plethora of opinions out there to find extremists from every religion. There are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, and Hindu’s who write things that if generally held, would plunge our world into violent chaos. And in history monstrous examples of genocidal campaigns have occasionally occurred.  But the good news is that Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, and Hindus. Live together in peace all over the world. And that is how they like it.

 Sure we hear about places like Sri-Lanka, Kashmir, Palestine, and Tibet, where religious identity has become a part of the conflict. But the vast majority of persons from any religion are good people who just want a good life for themselves and their families.

 Islam does not at all teach the annihilation of Christians or Jews. Christians and Jews are considered to be “People of the Book.” and are accepted as followers of the one God who made heaven and earth. Just as we Christians accept Judaism as part of our spiritual ancestry, Muslims accept Jesus as born of a virgin, teaching and living truthfully, and coming back at the end of the age to establish God’s judgment.

 And indeed in most places then and now, Christians, Muslims, and Jews live together in peace. So both through teaching and history the idea that it is the way of Islam or any other major religion is to annihilate those who do not convert is false. And we Christians do not seek the annihilation of Muslims.

 Regarding our national day of prayer not established until 176 years after our independence, I am okay with it. But frankly it does not matter much to me. I see politicians wearing American Flags, and pledging Allegiance to our Flag, then passing harmful legislation, or blocking legislation that would be for the common good of our society. In the same way, I see politicians, calling on God, claiming to be religious, and even praying in public, but then either living lives of moral disrepute, or promoting a kind of Christianity that is far removed from the life and teaching of Jesus Christ we have in the Bible.

 It might even be that God hates our National Day of Prayer. The prophet Amos told Israel, “I hate, I despise your festivals, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies. Even though you offer me your burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them; and the offerings of well being of your fatted animals I will not look upon. Take away from me the noise of your songs; I will not listen to the melody of your harps. But let justice roll down like waters, and the righteous like an ever-flowing stream.” Amos 5:21-24

 I know you understand the difference between real religion and those who just use religion for political expediency. I know you know the difference between those who are sincere but rather self deluded in their faith, and those who hold their faith with humble accuracy. God certainly does.

How did our religion come to be? How pure is it? What do we mean by pure?

Our religion did not emerge as a pure unsullied stream separate from the religions of our neighbors. Rather it is more like stone soup, with many added ingredients. It has never been pure. It has always been a work in progress.

Animal sacrifice was an improvement over human sacrifice. But where did this custom of sacrifice come from? It certainly was not unique to Judaism. The Canaanite priests and prophets sacrificed too.

Where did angels and demons come from? During the early years of the development of Judaism the struggle was between monotheism and polytheism. There was not much talk about angels. But after monotheism’s victory during Israel’s defeat to Babylon, Zoroastrian angels and demons entered Jewish beliefs.

And what is the relationship between Christianity and Judaism? Is Christianity a kind of Judaism with the Old Testament belonging to us as much as it belongs to Jews. Or is Christianity a Roman Mystery religion, that picked up Jewish scriptures by its accidental connection with the historical Jesus?

The point of asking all this is that the purity of our religion does not come from a clear and separate past. So the world religion question is not new, but is as old as we are.

Our religion can be compared to the old wedding custom,

Something old,
something new,
something borrowed,
something blue,
and a sixpence in her shoe

Like a bride entering into a covenant with her partner, we are in a relationship with God. And just as a person brings her history into the relationship, we bring our history into our relationship with God. Some of those things from our past continue to prove themselves valuable and useful. Other things we learn to cast aside in the light of our new covenant.

There is nothing wrong with our religion that it emerged this way. It is just how it is. What is always happening with God is that we shape ourselves to maintain a wholesome connection with God and each other.

James wrote it like this. “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep unstained by the world.”

In the sermon on the mount Jesus says, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

So it would seem that it is a distraction to attempt to extricate our religion from the complexities of history. And it is a distraction to attempt to hold to some sort of pure catechism devised from theologians of the 16th century.

Rather purity is about how we care for those who are most vulnerable in society. Purity is about not being caught up in the pomp and circumstance of secular status competitions.

And this is how we can come to see God at last.

If you wish, try this prayer,

Eternal Heart of the Universe, I offer my self to the most vulnerable persons on earth. I will do something good for them today. Forgive my many missteps and shortcomings. I am not done yet. Spirit of the Living Christ help me. Amen.

My parents were both school teachers. They tried to teach me to read and write well. Mostly they did this through a good example. Furthermore I went on in my education through college and seminary.

I wrote papers in the old days before computers. I don’t know how many term papers I churned out through the years. But I remember making as many of them about Kierkegaard as possible. I did this because I was fascinated by his life and his teaching. I was not as bad as a certain Professor who wrote the book “Christian Anarchy” among other things. I did not name my first child “either” and my second child “or”. 

But despite my education, I still frequently misspell words, and misspeak.

The rule goes, “i before e except after c” The word receive is an example. Perhaps this was difficult for me because my own name Heilman, is an exception. Thank God for spell check today!

There is another interpretation of “I” and “E”. This is to suggest that some people are “I over E” or intellect over emotion. And others are “E over I” or emotion over intellect.

Bowen family systems, Buddhism, and Stoicism highly value the rational intellectual side of being human. Artists, Romantics, and Patriots, value the emotional part of being human.

Ideally we should be rational when rationality is called for, and emotional when that is helpful. We should be balanced.

What does that have to do with Jesus and world religions?

There is another playful way to look at “I” and “E”, It would go, “I before E except after C.” Only here the “C” would be Christ.

The Idea is that the rational contemplation and imitation of the life of Christ, are subordinate to the passionate experience of the living Christ.

For example John Wesley was a hard core systematic Christian. He was a strict student and disciplined disciple of Jesus Christ. But what he really needed, he experienced after a Moravian meeting. God warmed his heart. And that made all the difference.

Without Wesley’s Alders gate experience, I suppose John would have soldiered on within the English religious bureaucracy. But the fire broke his bonds and a new thing was born.

“I before E, except after C”.

The order of the universe for a Christian like me is that God was in Christ. Christ changed my heart. And now I try to understand and explain it.

It is not mostly that I tried to understand life, changed my heart, found Jesus, and met God. Although it was a bit of that.

John the apostle wrote. We love because God first loved us.

Are we Christians alone in believing this?

Is this true for you?

More later…